God Knows Me.

The struggle is real!  How I look forward to a coasting period again when I'm not fighting myself with every step I take.  I wonder what it would look like not to have going to church be this constant struggle.  I have so much trouble getting myself there.  But I went again today.  Alone.

Breanne was at her dad's.  Collin was training with his new job.  Connor and I had just got home from hiking the Subway yesterday, which was awesome, and he stayed home to go over to his dad's and I went to church.

When I walked in Laura South as in the doorway with her son, Chad who had a blanket in his arm.  He and his mom were trying to find a place for him to sit while she went back out to the car to take care of Quinn who was sick.  The girls had found a place to sit on an aisle with no more room. Breanne and  I have sat with Laura in church and one or two of the kids before.  But never without Laura.  Quinn told his mom that he just wanted to lay down in the pew and have someone rub his back.  I agreed and we found a place to sit near the front.

I was overcome almost right away with how nice it was to have this little creature snuggle up beside me.  I miss my little snuggly kids so much it's ridiculous!  I sat in sacrament today while Quinn fell asleep and cried.  I cried tears of pain, and loneliness and I cried tears of acknowledgement too.  I honestly felt God's love for me.  He knows how much I ache and it felt like in that moment he sent someone to sit with me, someone for me to love, and comfort.  I let the tears flow for the first 15 minutes of sacrament meeting before they finally stopped and I was able to simply be.

ALL THESE THINGS SHALL BE FOR THY GOOD

About five years ago I was asked to come up to girls camp as a speaker for family home evening.  At the time I was still relatively new in the ward.  Even though I don't remember the details of what they asked me to share, I do remember praying to know what to share and asking for the spirit to direct my works and to speak peace and love.  I shared my experience of falling in love with Joey as a teenager and being sealed in the temple at 19.  I also shared a little of the devastation I felt when he died a month before my 21rst birthday.  I shared my testimony of Jesus Christ, his atonement his love, his sacred Gospel blessing my life along with this scripture from Doctrine and Covenants 90:24

24 Search diligently, pray always, and be believing, and all things shall work together for your good, if ye walk uprightly and remember the covenant wherewith ye have covenanted one with another.

Because I had been asked to speak and because I believed those words from scripture I took that scripture on as one of my life themes.  (I have a few that I will also eventually write about because they are each one close to my heart.)  

Fast forward to April 2017...A time when my testimony has been struggling more than I ever remember.  Not to go into too many ugly details.  But I'm sad that my life is where it is right now.  I'm broken hearted from breaking up with Scott Walker. We had so many fabulous times together.  Pretty much mountain biking every Saturday in the fall.  With him I wasn't lonely.  I felt like someone knew me.  I was loved.  I love him very much but because the relationship wasn't progressing I was getting stuck and the Bishop had confirmed, either get married or break up.  Scott didn't feel like we could get married, so we broke up.  I suppose it might seem trivial to someone who doesn't understand it.  To those who don't know heart break, I hope you never do.  It's devastating.  I'm left with the feelings of every time I've ever been heartbroken and that includes losing my husband at age 20 and being married to unfaithful man and divorced after 14 years.  

My testimony has gotten me through several things.  I have friends that say I'm an amazing example of faith etc.  I think they are right, honestly.  But, this.  Now?  I'm weak and uncertain.  I doubt and I hurt.  

There is this painful voice inside my head that says, "That's nice that the Gospel worked for all those other people, BUT it doesn't seem to have worked for you."  

Of all the things I know and love and work for for some reason they seem to be slipping away.  And the pain.  Why so much pain when we sing in Primary,  "Choose the right way and be happy.  You must always choose the right?"

So...I persevere into the dark.  I go to church.  I meet with the Bishop.  I read from the scriptures.  I listen to General Conference.  I agree to have the Stake missionaries, the Sharon's come weekly to visit.  

I know depression and I know I have power in my actions how to make it better.  I exercise daily.  I've been on supplements to ensure good nutrition.  I eat healthy foods and determine to increase my veggies.  My visiting teachers leave me treats and I hope they will swallow up my sorrows.  I feel worse when I do because I feel weak that I've succumbed and I still hope that if I lost weight a new attractive, gospel giant, and rich man will find me attractive.  So, I've self sabotaged again.  When does it end?

My kids go to their dad's for General Conference and I'm alone AGAIN.  I paint the front door and do projects around the house while listening on Saturday.  On Sunday my good friend who we've adopted to be the kids' grandma invited me to listen with her at her house.  

It wasn't until Pres. Uchtdort said it that I said aloud, "That's the 3rd time today they've said that!"  She hadn't heard it.  "Said, what?"  She asked...

Let me tell you.    

ALL THESE THINGS SHALL

 BE FOR THY GOOD 

Something that I use to know.  Something that I use to teach.  I believed it.  I want to believe it again.  And I choose to because I believe that was the message in General Conference just for me.

From Elder Hoon Wan Choi General Conference April 2017

It’s not always easy to look up when your parents are opposed to the gospel, when you are a member of a small Church unit, when your spouse is not a member, when you are still single although you did your best to marry, when a child has strayed, when you find yourself a single parent, when you are physically or emotionally challenged, when you are a victim in a disaster, and so on. Hold on to your faith in those hard times. Look up to Christ for strength, balance, and healing. Through the power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ, “all things shall work together for [your] good.”8   D&C 100:15 15 Therefore, let your hearts be comforted; for all things shall work together for good to them that walk uprightly, and to the sanctification of the church.

From Elder L. Whitney Clayton Sunday morning General Conference April 2017

 When we decide to do “whatsoever [God] saith unto” us, we earnestly commit to align our everyday behavior with God’s will. Such simple acts of faith as studying the scriptures daily, fasting regularly, and praying with real intent deepen our well of spiritual capacity to meet the demands of mortality. Over time, simple habits of belief lead to miraculous results. They transform our faith from a seedling into a dynamic power for good in our lives. Then, when challenges come our way, our rootedness in Christ provides steadfastness for our souls. God shores up our weaknesses, increases our joys, and causes “all things [to] work together for [our] good.”6  Romans 8:28 28 And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.  D&C 90: 24 Search diligently, pray always, and be believing, and all things shall work together for your good, if ye walk uprightly and remember the covenant wherewith ye have covenanted one with another.

From General Conference Sunday morning Pres. Uchtdorf April 2017

Can we exercise the faith to believe and to act accordingly? Can we live up to our commitments and sacred covenants? Can we keep the commandments of God even in challenging circumstances? Of course we can!

We can because God has promised, “All things shall work together for your good, if [you] walk uprightly.”19 Therefore, let us set aside our fears and live instead with joy, humility, hope, and a bold confidence that the Lord is with us.

The Last Seven Years I've Been a Single Mom

Wow!  I've felt prompted for years to write.  Haven't been sure where or how but this seems like as good a place as any.

It's already here.  A blog I started over seven years ago because my now ex-husband had encouraged it.  Ironmoores.

It's his last name.  And my children's name, so still my name.

Haven't done a triathlon for three or is it 4 years.  Does IronMoores even apply?  My oldest son is in college now.  Those cute little kids are teenagers now that sometimes yell really hateful hurtful things now.   Surely I can't write about those things...

So much good is happening all around.  So much learning and growth plus I learn more when I write about it.

So much more to learn!  Here goes!

Here I Go Again

I am officially a full-fledged University student, AGAIN. It's crazy. I feel crazy, well, not so much anymore now that I've had my first classes. I'm feeling more of that hopeful strength that comes from putting one foot in front of another as I walk in darkness. Each step shows the tiniest bit of light in front.

I started on Friday night with Human Development. This is a 3 1/2 hour class that will end in about 10 weeks. This feels a lot like many of the other classes I've already taken (15 years ago) for my Health degree. In two weeks I'll do a 15 minute class presentation with a partner on Death and the stages of Grief. I know something about this. I'm confident. My partner is my new friend. We're going to rock.

The not so touchy-feely class I have is Chemistry on Saturday mornings for 5 1/4 hours. This I'm not sure how I'm going to get through. Well, actually, I know exactly how I'm going to get through it. Blood, Sweat and Tears. I've already read the first two chapters and tried to teach myself the homework. Most of it is math. MATH! It's a four-letter word you know. My calculator has become attached to me as I divide and multiply fractions, remember scientific notation, calculate significant figures, determine the mass number...I'm only half-way through Chapter two. The teacher is already reminding me that this is the EASY stuff.

In order to get into UVU Nursing School I have to get all A's and take several more science classes, including Anatomy and Physiology that I took 18 years ago and got B- in both. "Oh, yes, now I remember why I didn't try this the first time."

So, here I go, one step at a time. Just putting one foot in front of another. My days of being a stay-at-home mom and swim coach are coming to a close. Yes, I know something of grief. It's not ALWAYS a physical death that brings it. I hope this transition will be smooth and gentle for all of us.

Lord, please help us. No. I mean, Thank You for helping us. I KNOW You have been. And...please, Please, PLEASE stay with me. I need all the help I can get.

Little Wild Horse Canyon

I love to try new things! When I get to do something I've never done before I'm happy. And I've been really wanting some happy lately.
This has got to be one of the coolest hikes I've ever been on. Too bad I didn't get any pictures of the kids, or adults, maneuvering hands on one side of the canyon and feet on the other side.

A few spots had water that we carried the kids over. For the most part the kids didn't even know they were hiking as long as they were bouldering over rocks and climbing in narrow crevices.

Our neighbors have 6 kids, the husband is taking the picture and he must have the baby on his back, so those are the two not in the picture. I would NEVER have been able to do this without them. And I'm SO GLAD we did. Overall it ended up an 8 mile hike, whew! The kids really did love it. I'm in heaven, still. We didn't really plan to be on vacation together, but this family was at the same campground we were. They came over to our site and we roasted hot dogs and marshmallows together. I don't even want to go hiking or camping now unless we can invite some friends along. They are the reason we could do this awesome hike. I don't think I could say thank you enough for letting us come along, and then carrying us when we needed it most.

April Fool's

If you can't read it because it's too small, I'll tell you what it says. Basically, he wrote me a note from detention saying how he got in trouble at school. After getting big high fives from his Dad and brother saying "way to give a 6th grader a bloody nose" he couldn't keep the secret any longer and just said, "April Fool's!" I have to admit it never crossed my mind that he was playing a joke on me.

Some evidence that we might be good parents after all

Connor started taking piano in January. (Breanne started taking lessons too, but I pulled her out this month with the hope of starting again in the Fall. Hopefully by then she'll be able to concentrate longer and be willing to practice regularly, *fingers crossed*.)

Anyway. Connor is progressing so well with piano. I am absolutely delighted with his progress! He practices consistently with little prodding. He's learning to read music and this week started playing with both hands at the same time. He loves it because his teacher gives him a chocolate for every song he passes off. Oh, the power of rewards!

Yesterday when he was practicing piano I found him adding some two-handed scales to his practice. His teacher hasn't assigned them, but he's doing them anyway. When he added the metronome I was especially impressed. Then, it occurred to me. He's been listening to me practice piano. (Yes, I've started taking lessons from a neighbor in trade for swimming lessons. It's great and we both get something we want.) The beauty of it, to me though, is to see directly how MY practicing scales with the metronome rubbed off on Connor. He was mimicking me in a good way. I couldn't be more proud.

What a great kid. That wasn't the only example, either. Connor mimicked Ross this week when he chose Gandhi for his biography book report that is due later this month. Ross has been reading a couple of books titled, Gandhi, that he picked up at the library. I think it was just something Ross wanted to learn about. Connor, I think, wants to learn about what his parents are learning about. I was surprised he didn't pick one of his favorite presidents, or a famous athlete, even Michael Phelps.

I'm also feeling suddenly so proud, and grateful, and powerful that we are having what appears to be a good influence as parents. I thought all these kids just did what ever they wanted regardless of how hard I tried.

And apparently, it's the NOT trying that seems to have influence. Who knew that developing ourselves in simple ways could be so powerful?

What else should I be doing? Wait, don't answer that!

The Talent Show Dilemma

Breanne has a dilemma.

Next week during music class she has a talent show. The flyer that came home says she can play the piano, or another instrument, tell a joke, show a picture or craft of her own making, bring in a certificate of something she's accomplished, or even show a home video or dvd of her participating in something, like training the family pet.

The possiblities abound--but that's the problem. She even told me. "I have so many talents I just don't know what I'm going to share." I found her awake at 9:30 pm putting the finishing touches on her unique artwork.

"Yes, that's true. You do have SO MANY talents. I'm not sure what you're going to share either, sweetheart, but you'll have to think about it while your sleeping and get some rest."

Can you promise to have this problem when you're in 6th grade?

February around here

We celebrated Connor's birthday at home with a cake and also to the movies to watch Percy Jackson: The Lightning Thief. Connor was disappointed that the makers of the movie did not follow the book more closely. I thought the changes in the movie were interesting changes, and that overall it was a fun adventure show for boys.

Connor's been playing basketball thanks to the extra help Dave has been giving him teaching him on Fridays to dribble and shoot. I can tell he's improved a ton in the last month that he's been playing. Of course I couldn't get any of my action photos to show up, but if I do then I'll be sure to post pictures.

This was the heart shape pizza Ross made for Valentine's day. It was a huge success. I see a new tradition here. I can't believe we haven't been doing this for the kids for years.

Snow What Fun--It's a Party!

I put the last picture first. This is the pizza once we came home after sledding.
A friend, Andrew, on top of the world.

Taking a break with doughnuts and hot chocolate.

Aidan and Carson build a snowman.

This is me mostly trying to get a picture of the beautiful background these kids are playing in.

Even Collin enjoyed himself.

That's a steep hill. (The reason my thrill seeker picked this activity for a party.)

Getting our sleds ready.

The helmet helps her feel safer while sledding.

We are kings of the mountain.

My favorite 9 year old birthday boy.


This was the funnest sledding party I've ever thrown. Of course, it's my first, but I feel confident that I could do it again if necessary. The boys were all gentlemen and thrill seekers combined. They played together well, even though they didn't all know each other. A few friends from school, a few from the neighborhood and a one from swim team.

We survived the 1/2 hour drive up and 1/2 hour drive down the canyon, where I learned that boys may be every bit as chatty as girls.

We ate lots of doughnuts and drank hot chocolate.

Pizza once we came home kept everyone happy

and at the end they had a chance to win a candy bar in the game.

I'm feeling confident that I know how to keep boys happy at least for a few hours.

Plenty of Food and outdoor Fun. Hopefully Connor's feeling the love.

Definitely a great day.