God Knows Me.

The struggle is real!  How I look forward to a coasting period again when I'm not fighting myself with every step I take.  I wonder what it would look like not to have going to church be this constant struggle.  I have so much trouble getting myself there.  But I went again today.  Alone.

Breanne was at her dad's.  Collin was training with his new job.  Connor and I had just got home from hiking the Subway yesterday, which was awesome, and he stayed home to go over to his dad's and I went to church.

When I walked in Laura South as in the doorway with her son, Chad who had a blanket in his arm.  He and his mom were trying to find a place for him to sit while she went back out to the car to take care of Quinn who was sick.  The girls had found a place to sit on an aisle with no more room. Breanne and  I have sat with Laura in church and one or two of the kids before.  But never without Laura.  Quinn told his mom that he just wanted to lay down in the pew and have someone rub his back.  I agreed and we found a place to sit near the front.

I was overcome almost right away with how nice it was to have this little creature snuggle up beside me.  I miss my little snuggly kids so much it's ridiculous!  I sat in sacrament today while Quinn fell asleep and cried.  I cried tears of pain, and loneliness and I cried tears of acknowledgement too.  I honestly felt God's love for me.  He knows how much I ache and it felt like in that moment he sent someone to sit with me, someone for me to love, and comfort.  I let the tears flow for the first 15 minutes of sacrament meeting before they finally stopped and I was able to simply be.

ALL THESE THINGS SHALL BE FOR THY GOOD

About five years ago I was asked to come up to girls camp as a speaker for family home evening.  At the time I was still relatively new in the ward.  Even though I don't remember the details of what they asked me to share, I do remember praying to know what to share and asking for the spirit to direct my works and to speak peace and love.  I shared my experience of falling in love with Joey as a teenager and being sealed in the temple at 19.  I also shared a little of the devastation I felt when he died a month before my 21rst birthday.  I shared my testimony of Jesus Christ, his atonement his love, his sacred Gospel blessing my life along with this scripture from Doctrine and Covenants 90:24

24 Search diligently, pray always, and be believing, and all things shall work together for your good, if ye walk uprightly and remember the covenant wherewith ye have covenanted one with another.

Because I had been asked to speak and because I believed those words from scripture I took that scripture on as one of my life themes.  (I have a few that I will also eventually write about because they are each one close to my heart.)  

Fast forward to April 2017...A time when my testimony has been struggling more than I ever remember.  Not to go into too many ugly details.  But I'm sad that my life is where it is right now.  I'm broken hearted from breaking up with Scott Walker. We had so many fabulous times together.  Pretty much mountain biking every Saturday in the fall.  With him I wasn't lonely.  I felt like someone knew me.  I was loved.  I love him very much but because the relationship wasn't progressing I was getting stuck and the Bishop had confirmed, either get married or break up.  Scott didn't feel like we could get married, so we broke up.  I suppose it might seem trivial to someone who doesn't understand it.  To those who don't know heart break, I hope you never do.  It's devastating.  I'm left with the feelings of every time I've ever been heartbroken and that includes losing my husband at age 20 and being married to unfaithful man and divorced after 14 years.  

My testimony has gotten me through several things.  I have friends that say I'm an amazing example of faith etc.  I think they are right, honestly.  But, this.  Now?  I'm weak and uncertain.  I doubt and I hurt.  

There is this painful voice inside my head that says, "That's nice that the Gospel worked for all those other people, BUT it doesn't seem to have worked for you."  

Of all the things I know and love and work for for some reason they seem to be slipping away.  And the pain.  Why so much pain when we sing in Primary,  "Choose the right way and be happy.  You must always choose the right?"

So...I persevere into the dark.  I go to church.  I meet with the Bishop.  I read from the scriptures.  I listen to General Conference.  I agree to have the Stake missionaries, the Sharon's come weekly to visit.  

I know depression and I know I have power in my actions how to make it better.  I exercise daily.  I've been on supplements to ensure good nutrition.  I eat healthy foods and determine to increase my veggies.  My visiting teachers leave me treats and I hope they will swallow up my sorrows.  I feel worse when I do because I feel weak that I've succumbed and I still hope that if I lost weight a new attractive, gospel giant, and rich man will find me attractive.  So, I've self sabotaged again.  When does it end?

My kids go to their dad's for General Conference and I'm alone AGAIN.  I paint the front door and do projects around the house while listening on Saturday.  On Sunday my good friend who we've adopted to be the kids' grandma invited me to listen with her at her house.  

It wasn't until Pres. Uchtdort said it that I said aloud, "That's the 3rd time today they've said that!"  She hadn't heard it.  "Said, what?"  She asked...

Let me tell you.    

ALL THESE THINGS SHALL

 BE FOR THY GOOD 

Something that I use to know.  Something that I use to teach.  I believed it.  I want to believe it again.  And I choose to because I believe that was the message in General Conference just for me.

From Elder Hoon Wan Choi General Conference April 2017

It’s not always easy to look up when your parents are opposed to the gospel, when you are a member of a small Church unit, when your spouse is not a member, when you are still single although you did your best to marry, when a child has strayed, when you find yourself a single parent, when you are physically or emotionally challenged, when you are a victim in a disaster, and so on. Hold on to your faith in those hard times. Look up to Christ for strength, balance, and healing. Through the power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ, “all things shall work together for [your] good.”8   D&C 100:15 15 Therefore, let your hearts be comforted; for all things shall work together for good to them that walk uprightly, and to the sanctification of the church.

From Elder L. Whitney Clayton Sunday morning General Conference April 2017

 When we decide to do “whatsoever [God] saith unto” us, we earnestly commit to align our everyday behavior with God’s will. Such simple acts of faith as studying the scriptures daily, fasting regularly, and praying with real intent deepen our well of spiritual capacity to meet the demands of mortality. Over time, simple habits of belief lead to miraculous results. They transform our faith from a seedling into a dynamic power for good in our lives. Then, when challenges come our way, our rootedness in Christ provides steadfastness for our souls. God shores up our weaknesses, increases our joys, and causes “all things [to] work together for [our] good.”6  Romans 8:28 28 And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.  D&C 90: 24 Search diligently, pray always, and be believing, and all things shall work together for your good, if ye walk uprightly and remember the covenant wherewith ye have covenanted one with another.

From General Conference Sunday morning Pres. Uchtdorf April 2017

Can we exercise the faith to believe and to act accordingly? Can we live up to our commitments and sacred covenants? Can we keep the commandments of God even in challenging circumstances? Of course we can!

We can because God has promised, “All things shall work together for your good, if [you] walk uprightly.”19 Therefore, let us set aside our fears and live instead with joy, humility, hope, and a bold confidence that the Lord is with us.

The Last Seven Years I've Been a Single Mom

Wow!  I've felt prompted for years to write.  Haven't been sure where or how but this seems like as good a place as any.

It's already here.  A blog I started over seven years ago because my now ex-husband had encouraged it.  Ironmoores.

It's his last name.  And my children's name, so still my name.

Haven't done a triathlon for three or is it 4 years.  Does IronMoores even apply?  My oldest son is in college now.  Those cute little kids are teenagers now that sometimes yell really hateful hurtful things now.   Surely I can't write about those things...

So much good is happening all around.  So much learning and growth plus I learn more when I write about it.

So much more to learn!  Here goes!