God Knows Me.

The struggle is real!  How I look forward to a coasting period again when I'm not fighting myself with every step I take.  I wonder what it would look like not to have going to church be this constant struggle.  I have so much trouble getting myself there.  But I went again today.  Alone.

Breanne was at her dad's.  Collin was training with his new job.  Connor and I had just got home from hiking the Subway yesterday, which was awesome, and he stayed home to go over to his dad's and I went to church.

When I walked in Laura South as in the doorway with her son, Chad who had a blanket in his arm.  He and his mom were trying to find a place for him to sit while she went back out to the car to take care of Quinn who was sick.  The girls had found a place to sit on an aisle with no more room. Breanne and  I have sat with Laura in church and one or two of the kids before.  But never without Laura.  Quinn told his mom that he just wanted to lay down in the pew and have someone rub his back.  I agreed and we found a place to sit near the front.

I was overcome almost right away with how nice it was to have this little creature snuggle up beside me.  I miss my little snuggly kids so much it's ridiculous!  I sat in sacrament today while Quinn fell asleep and cried.  I cried tears of pain, and loneliness and I cried tears of acknowledgement too.  I honestly felt God's love for me.  He knows how much I ache and it felt like in that moment he sent someone to sit with me, someone for me to love, and comfort.  I let the tears flow for the first 15 minutes of sacrament meeting before they finally stopped and I was able to simply be.