Hello Failure, My Old Friend

Ok, so the song is really Hello Darkness My Old Friend, which works too, for the mood I'm in right now. I woke up with this Simon & Garfunkel song in my head this morning. Just that line.

I had a job interview on Friday for a teaching job at a nearby Jr. High starting in the Fall. I got an email later that afternoon that the job had been filled. They didn't pick me. They wanted somebody else.

I had even talked myself into believing I wanted that job!

I've been feeling crushed this weekend, like that was my ONE LAST HOPE, and now it's OVER. Yes, I'm being dramatic. Part of it has to do with my fear of failure.

How many times have I shied away from things because I've been paralyzed with fear that I wouldn't be good enough? "I won't do it right. I'll screw it up. I'm not even going to try." Ask my sister who tried to teach me how to quilt. I'm worse than my kids sometimes at giving up if I'm not very good at something. I wonder where they get it from?

Well, that's the old me and I'm starting new.

Now I look failure in the face daily and say, "Hello, my old friend. I'm not scared of you anymore."

How does the quote go? "It's not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up that matters?" Don't let me fool you. I'm really sick of trying to be positive. I'm giving myself a few days to grieve. Then, eventually I'll get up and try again.

Don't Use the Piano Room as a Bedroom

That was weird. The Stake Presidency just came by my house and wanted to know if they could visit for 5 minutes. I said sure, and invited them into what should be the only clean room in the house. The one room that's only big enough for the piano, a couch and a chair and really it's not big enough for that.

No sooner had I invited them in did I have to dig blankets and clothes off the floor, along with used tissues, socks and books. I had forgotten. My husband has been using this room as his bedroom for the last week. I remember walking by it today while I was home from one job, getting ready to go to the next one, thinking I should pick all that stuff up. But, the thought just as quickly left my mind. If anyone came over I'd have time to pick it up first, right? Wrong.

All three members of the Stake presidency stood there in that room while I hauled everything out in nearly one full swoop and threw it on the stairs as if the room were all clean now. Who was more embarrassed? Them or me?

I'm still not sure why they stopped by. I guess it's so that I know that the Lord is aware of me and my needs. But, I already knew that.

Something Good Out of Something Bad

We got home from visiting Courtney the other day and found that we had left the bread open while we were gone. I was immediately disappointed by the thought of stale bread.
The kids knew I was disappointed, but Collin didn't take long to say,

"Oh, well. You can make french toast with it."
Me: "Oh, that's a great idea. I didn't think of that, but I like the way you're thinking."
Collin: "Well, ya' know, mom, you can always make something good out of something bad."

This thought had me baffled really, because I immediately thought of more than just bread.
Me: "When did you become so wise?"
Collin: "I read it in a book somewhere, but I'm pretty sure it's true."

I did make french toast the next day and it was great! I'll be making french toast out of my life for awhile, I think.

While I Try to Figure Out How to Be Grown Up

Just an update. I taught 2nd grade on Tuesday--exhausting.

I taught 5th grade on Wed--surprisingly fun. I especially liked when the class went to computers for an hour and I read my book. Lame, but true. I also liked the way these kids ran their own classroom, everyone knowing their job and performing fantastically. This teacher has these kids well-trained. Managing a classroom is an art I tell you! When I substitute teach in the really well run classrooms, I start to think, "I could do this for real." The other days when I'm in a classroom that is run more like I would do it, (a little disorganized and overwhelming) not so much!

Thursday I taught 7-9th grade German. Haha. I don't speak any German but I know how to put a video in. And I enjoyed reading my book some more.

Friday, German again, only this time in the high school. A different video, not nearly as entertaining. Some question exists about my ability to run the DVD player. I probably shouldn't let people know how lame I am, huh?

Plus, I feel lame for recommending the book I finished that day, Esperanza Rising, by Pam Munoz Ryan. The book was great! The lame thing is that books for 6-8th graders are really right at my level. Plus, the truth is that I found it for the first time in a 4th grade classroom last week. I knew right away it was a story for me when I read the back cover. Esperanza means hope in Spanish. It's the story of how a rich Mexican girl loses all her earthly possessions when her wealthy father dies. It recounts the story of how she learns to become a working girl. Just seemed to fit for me, and I felt hope. If you're not above reading books for teens, I think you'll like it too.

April Fools

My advice for the day:

Don't substitute teach 2nd grade on April Fool's Day. Agh! "There's a spider in your hair." "Wanna see my, bug? April Fools!"

There is some question about my ability to laugh and relax anyway. Getting a bunch of kids to do what their teacher thinks they should, and then being told endlessly that I'm not doing it like their teacher does just about put me over the edge today. Why do I think I should go into teaching?

Last year I frosted that sponge and fed it to my kids. Didn't get around to doing any pranks this year, but it's not too late...